The Uncomfortable Gap Between Safety and Striving

In the process of healing there will come a moment, a moment that may seem mystically unknown, a moment called “safety”

Your body will know this moment even though your brain has no concept to apply it to. Knowing safety is like knowing love, or orgasm, or grief -- no amount of explanation of what it is can possibly prepare you for the truth of knowing it with your body.

When I found safety in my body, my world view collapsed. (How did I do that? A much longer story — but in short, through the same healing and alchemical processes I take my clients through)

I had defined myself as someone who was ambitious, driven, adventurous… and when my body finally turned off from all the years of trauma response, a new demand became law: Rest.

When I chose to listen to this new law my body wrote, the tendrils of hustle culture programming that still remained within me got pretty shook.

The kinds of questions that came up for me looked something like, “Am I depressed?” “Am I okay?” “Am I no longer happy with my life?” to me, happiness had meant hustle and bustle… so rest must mean that I was not okay.

Contrarily, my body kept saying, “I am more okay than I’ve ever been”

My brain struggled; the hustle program whirred and whizzed and skipped tracks, trying to land on something synchronous with rest. 

It found nothing.

The most catastrophic aspect of this was what I will label “lack of motivation;” I had lost all desire to DO anything. I wanted to just be.

I hung a hammock up on my porch. I showed up to coach the clients already had and stopped working myself silly outside of those hours. 

Months went by, and this didn’t change. I feared the loss of momentum in my business, worried myself idly over the moment my money would run out.

Sometimes, I would face down old panicky programming trying to kick my ass into action. “GO DO SOMETHING. YOU WORTHLESS FOOL YOU HAVE TO HUSTLE IF YOU WANT TO SUCCEED!!” It screamed but I didn’t listen.

Hustle Culture Programming showed up with beliefs like:

You’re only valuable if you’re producing
You owe it to society to be of service

You waste your intelligence if others can’t SEE the results of that

The day is only worthy if it has included some output

I knew that programming didn’t serve me well, and remained stoic in the face of this inner tantrum. If true inspiration showed up, I would honor it, but otherwise remained observing.

Still, I was less than satisfied -- though I was taking this rest, my other dreams were slowly dwindling. If I wasn’t motivated to strive by the sheer panic I had always felt in my body, how would I ever accomplish these dreams? If I didn’t enslave myself to my work, why would I ever work again? And if I didn’t work, surely I wouldn’t survive in the end, right?

I felt stuck in a set of qualifications creating a paradox: Don’t buy into hustle culture, find rest, but also find success.

9 months later, y’all -- 9 months of rest, of grieving, and of bowing to the wisdom of my body -- and the new program was finally birthed

I and my dreams are worth working hard for; worth dedicating the energy and time of my human body to.

I am so incredibly valuable, so incredibly worthy, that me and my dreams are worth endless amounts of dedication to. I am so worthy that I deserve to honor my needs and also work hard for my dreams.

It’s a subtle shift from “Produce to be worthy” to “I am so worthy that I deserve to do whatever is required to accomplish my dreams”

I invite you to sit with it, and ask yourself: which of these are you functioning from? Are you worthy in your laziness? Are you worthy in your imperfection? (Psssssssst, the secret: Yes You Fucking Are!) or are you finding yourself only valuable if you’ve done the “shoulds” today? 

Are you stuck in the old punishment/reward paradigms of an outdated system?

If this and other contemplations feel compelling to you, I invite you to check out my website www.withsary.com 

Here you can book a session to work with me 1 : 1 as a Sovereignty Coach. Stay tuned for an important announcement on new ways to work with me coming up shortly!